Saturday, December 17, 2011

Time stands still...

I've never really been a patient person--that's more a skill my husband possesses than me. I've always been the type of person who likes to act swiftly and get a fast result. It's a tact that's served me well. Up until now...Having been infertile for a while now (I'll be celebrating my one year anniversary in two weeks), you'd think my outlook would have changed. Nope, no chance....So this 2ww will be torture.

Right now, I'm now 4dpiu and time seems to be dragging on. I've had no real symptoms to speak of. The results weren't as great as I had hoped. My right tube produced two follies (19 and 20mm) and my husband gave a great sample, but still I can't help but feel that IVF will be our only answer. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I be more hopeful?

It bothers me that I'm being so pessimistic because I'm not usually this way. We know nothing yet... nothing good, nothing bad. Some would say I'm in the blind blissful phase where anything is possible, so I should be happy--but I just can't seem to settle in. I was so optimistic and positive during the inject/IUI process taking everything in stride but now that all seems to be fading away. It's like my brain is beginning to wake up to our realities and it's now trying to mentally prep me for an upcoming dissapointment.

I'm due to get my period the day after Christmas--which will either make this holiday the happiest ever, or one of the worst ones I've ever endured. To add insult to the injury, B and I will be spending the week of Christmas with my parents and my brother and SIL. Don't get me wrong, my parents are lovely. And they've been really supportive. My brother and SIL, on the other hand, are hard for me to bear. They are awaiting the birth of their first child in Feb (they got pregnant accidentally last year and made a big deal about how upsetting it was for them) and while I know it's a horrible thing to say, I really couldn't hate them more.  Yes, I know hate is a strong word to use for anyone, not to mention your family, and I'm sorry to use it, but there's such an intensity behind the feelings I have that sadly, I think it's the best one to use.

It's a complicated situation but the short version is that my brother and I have been on the outs for years. He's always been a very self-involved person but I overlooked that because as his big sister I was always automatically overprotective of him. Then he did something extremely hurtful to me two years ago and never apologized nor owned up to it. It shattered our relationship. My SIL, who's six years his junior, thinks my brother walks on water, so when our relationship fell apart, she also ostricized me.

So now I wait...I wait wondering which will be worse--the dissapointment of negative IUI result--or having to be around my pregnant brother and SIL during Christmas. There's just something about Christmas that makes me feel the sting of infertility more. I don't know what it is.

1 comment:

  1. The waiting is so hard. I sometimes felt like I would jump out of my skin with the anxiety. And I also know how miserable pregnancies in the family can make you. You're doing great, though. My fingers are tightly crossed for you!